Handling Unexpected Consequences of Recovery
How Our Growth Affects Our Relationships
By: Ann W. Smith, LPC, LMFT - Executive Director, Breakthrough at Caron
When we finally find the answers to our life long questions, we are enthusiastic and want to share it. We naturally assume that our parents, siblings, children and friends will be proud of us and happy that we are doing well. While this may be the result at first, it doesn’t always bring our loved ones closer. An adjustment and some patience may be required for a successful transition toward major life changes.
What it looks and feels like when we rush to share our new insights:
- We assume that others will be just as excited about our new awareness and will want to share in it. We want loved ones to join us. Why? Love, need to fix, need for approval, desire for more closeness and hopes for a peaceful life are some possibilities.
- We are a bit naïve and idealistic thinking that everyone would benefit from what helped us. “I Know the Truth!! Follow me!!” It is hard to accept that family members are different from us. Some are skeptics, some afraid to touch their pain, some have a different perspective entirely (religious, self determination, shame of disclosure).
- Family members may try to talk us out our new beliefs and changes. After failed attempts to get agreement, we feel rejected, alone and misunderstood.
Threats we pose to loved ones and friends when we change:
- We start setting boundaries and turning to strangers for support. This may include saying no, asking for space, not sharing as much, and disagreeing with the family platform.
- We begin to change our routines: declining social situations that may have been central to us, attending meetings, and no longer using compulsive behaviors. Even ways we have fun change.
- Pressuring our loved ones for change may cause them to feel blamed, judged, shamed or abandoned by us. They feel they are losing us to what may seem like a cult. They may feel angry and hurt that we are exposing their secrets. We appear disloyal and seem to be betraying them. They become protective of parents or others who are in denial or afraid of the truth. They may strongly disagree that addiction, mental illness, etc. exists in the family and see our changes as overreactions.
- Positive changes may be misunderstood as a sense of superiority. Others need time to adjust and realize that we are still the same imperfect people we have always been.
Other obstacles to healing, mending and deepening relationships:
- Your own patterns of managing your anxiety in relationships – fixing, pursuing, hit and run, and avoiding (Remember that the closest family relationships are the last to improve.)
- Our own abandonment issues – fear of rejection and disapproval
- Our fear of "rocking the boat" or being honest with our requests for change
- Shame says– “Who am I to judge?” “I am the problem; I am unlovable and unworthy.”
- Impatience – desire to start fresh with new people
- Attitudes of “us and them”, “They don’t get it” and labeling family members as sick, dysfunctional, and in denial
Finding A Better Way:
- Stop giving advice – sometimes it is subtle – just helping.
- Being honest and sharing feelings require awareness and timing. Confrontations don’t work. Ask yourself why you want/need the person to agree with you. What is the unmet need underneath it all?
- Let moments of connection come to you.
- Work on authenticity – be you, be real. Perfectionism and looking good get in the way.
- Avoid jargon, slogans, preaching, and handing out books.
- Build trust by listening, loving and accepting others as they are.
- Set gentle limits when necessary.
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Have faith in love and don’t underestimate parent’s ability to gradually accept your growth and choices.
